When is enough, enough?

I love when the Lord answers my prayers in ways in such abundant ways it is really hard for even someone like me to miss.

As I have been honest with God- bringing my needs to him, sharing with him my heavy heart, listing out my frustrations, letting him hear my hurts, explaining my hopes and subsequent fears - he has been good in his responses taking care to not only let me "cry it out," but once I'm in a place where I have expelled all of that "stuff," he speaks in such tender ways it not only soothes my soul but quiets the whirlwind of crazy whipping around me.

This weekend and the last few days I have been enveloped in sweet community. I have been lifted in encouragement, covered in prayer, leaned on for friendship, allowed to rest in my own need of friendship, supported in honesty, held in love, directed in perspective, relieved in laughter, gifted with grace... I mean, the list could really just continue in simpler terms as well as the embellished.

These times of sweet community have offered much to think about in questions that stretch across differences and felt in hearts of women. Currently: What is right? What is best? What is enough?

We are pressed against - sometimes literally - by many needs: family, work, ministry, missions, the world, expectations, finances, grocery shopping, relationships, etc. And this is not even touching the perceived expectations we take on from places like Pinterest and facebook- rooted from a place of comparison.

So how do we choose the right thing? How do we know when we've reached not only the right decision, but when we have given enough? Enough money, time, resources to the right places?

Here's my perspective: maybe we are asking the wrong questions.

The world will never reach the point it has received enough of us or from us- the need is too great for us to satisfy.

Rather: am I seeking God?

In this moment- how do I see the Lord moving- in me, through me, around me? Can I allow him more space to work/move?

I don't think God is necessarily always expecting our answers to questions. But I think that's the point- I think it's the working out of the answer that allows/motivates us to come close to God, to practice faith, to build trust; and this enables us to continue to move forward and, as we go, as we work this out, we allow others to see God in those places- his grace and goodness, his relational qualities and his rightful reverence.

There's more to it than that

Having a vast understanding of the highs and lows of the emotional and psychological see-saw, I sometimes fear the spiritual highs. Spiritual highs are unsustainable and insupportable. I know what those look like and what they can lead to: emotional decisions based on temporary feelings. I don't want a spiritual high- I desire the spiritual growth. But I am finding the good in those moments and the need for those times; that release of restraint is refreshing. 

And as the see-saw swings, after a spiritual high, there is typically a clear struggle. As much as I used to fear the fall from the "mountain top" into the "valley," I have come to understand that it is through this movement that there an opportunity to allow what was felt to become real, which brings about possible spiritual growth.

It is through these human experiences- the heartaches- that I experience God. To deny that I feel affected is not only an act of pretentious piety, but it is to deny the opportunity to experience God- of his presence and promise. If I never needed, I would not understand my insatiable need of Him. Not just his safekeeping and provision, but of Himself. If I never struggled, I would not understand his grace. If I never hurt, I would not know what it is to be comforted. It is in my need that I see him move.

Since coming back from Austria, I have been asking the Lord what to do. My heart was open and ready to take a giant leap… somewhere. I just needed the where and when. 

His answer? Wait. 

Of course. 

In my waiting, I asked God what he wanted me to do. 

His answer? Wait. 

Of course. 

In my waiting- which looked a lot like striving- I desired a platform.
But God desires me to have a purpose.

In an effort to share with and effect others, I was not letting it affect me.

So it was not until I stopped that I realized how much I have wanted the answer to my prayers for guidance to result in me staying where I am.

This morning, my heart hurt as it began to break at the realization that I am holding back from God. That I am choosing to hold on to places, times, hopes of the here.  There is a hurt felt when you realize all that you have come to love can be left; and that is real and that is ok. But it is not an excuse to be immovable. Avoiding the pain is not the goal of this life. And I would like to think I have learned not to be stubborn with the Lord- that I have learned to be movable before my entire life crumbles, again-  but I have desired the settling thus settling for a lesser god than God would desire for me.

Reading through Psalm 27, Matthew Henry commented:

The safety of believers however is not in the walls of the temple, but in the God of the temple and their comfort in communion with him.

As I am walking this out, that is my desire. Not the words, not the feeling; it is in the communion with him- as I step out trusting he is with me in each step. 

Is there a reason you are feeling restless??

Because God is so big and I am so small

There’s a lot of space between there
And I am the one on limited time and resources

How do you handle a God like mine?
A God so… full and fulfilling.
He doesn’t fit in my small life yet he asks me to come along with him- he doesn’t ask to be fit into my life.

So there is the challenge: how does my small life step into his big plans?

Is there a balance- or is the idea of “balance” just a source and sort of safety I have chosen to hide behind? Can I be expended, can I be used up– have I been the one resisting God’s design to use me to the fullest?

Why so restless?

How do you handle plans bigger than you can fathom? Bigger than what makes sense? That is a huge weight! These kinds of questions make my heart and lungs race. And resistance to that idea comes (naturally) in the forms of distraction, rebuttal, procrastination, straight up NO, all in hopes of a return to the normalcy that once was.

But my heart has been separated- feeling the fullness- there’s no way to un-feel or un-see that.

In my desire to get going, moving towards the bigger life, I find myself very short with myself and others- I want to get to the point and get going. I have noticed that anyone trying to talk with me- have a conversation- with any amount of detail has been cut short by my desire to jump to the point and keep going. I am amazed at the grace extended to me in these conversations. Did I not learn anything in the last few weeks, months, years? God is not calling me to a task, he is calling me to a relationship and it is a relationship that extends out towards others. I need to give attention to finer details of life; there is something delicately essential there.

So there is a huge weight to this wait. There is importance in this place and there is something bigger coming. I don’t know how to be here and wait for there. These are the kinds of times that drive me crazy- one foot in and one foot out. I am here. I am now. I am willing to be there. I am waiting to be then.

I was recently reminded, “the promise is in the process.” Meaning that as I go, God is working to fulfill the promise/vision given. Without the process, there is no promise. So there is importance in the now. There is importance in the present.

At this point, the questions are much more What and When rather than How and Why. As I wait and seek those answers, my heart is overwhelmed to tears thinking about how much I do not want to get bogged down in the insignificant.

At what cost?

I find myself constantly feeling as though I am on the outside looking in. Participating but not really a part. Present but not included.

I don't fit.

I find myself  becoming edgy in my exhaustion. Feeling the emptiness of being spent.

And I ask: why? What compels me to stay here? What keeps me in this place of murky solidarity that has flares of mimicked connection?

That in the solidarity I am not alone. That God can use me here. That I am most useful when I am weakest. That not feeling included keeps me sensitive to the needs of others who feel the same. Not being a part reminds me who I am relying on and Who I rely on.

At what cost?

At all cost.

I think God is sometimes nonsensical

What do you do when your routine of expectations has been interrupted And you have space to see the desires that have lain in wait And you see those desires more clearly and feel them more sharply How do you handle that much freedom, hope, excitement?

Since returning from Austria, that space has been uncomfortable.

I've thought, maybe I'm wrong- maybe those desires are false and it's just a side-effect of a big trip or culture shock. My reaction has been to fill that space quickly – drown it in “reality” through work or commitments or entertainment that remind me that I have a life to live.

I want so desperately to feel life. Not the over-saturated life filled with such busyness that leaves me feeling ceaselessly tired. I want to feel alive- full of life that leaves me the kind of tired that brings true rest; the kind of tired that comes after such a deep fulfillment that there is rest in the rejuvenation that comes with the work.

I hesitate to act on any of this for fear that it is a momentary emotional reaction to a temporary change. But what if? What if this is the space I need to make a decision I didn't know I needed to make.

I try my best to communicate clearly so please hear me on this: I have no reason to leave where I am. I have nothing to run from and nothing to run to. I am actually very happy exactly where I am. I returned to my job and was surprised how much I like it- how blessed I am to do what I do. I returned to an office of truly amazing women whom I have grown to admire, appreciate and love. I returned to a home that is exactly that- a home, not just a place I live. I have come back to the community that is growing and a church that is being built and projects I am involved in that bring so much life to my soul.
I have been and continue to be surrounded and filled with a peace that has been my companion in a richer way than I have experienced in a while. I feel freedom to make decisions and choices- to move in some way. At this point, the questions are vague and the answers are blurry. But I am asking and I am seeking.

And in the midst of this, as I have dreamed and thought and prayed and sought clarity and truth and guidance, I began to remember so much of the reasons I stay. To these concerns, I heard the Lord respond tenderly:

Can you trust me with this? Can you trust me to take care of the women, of your loans, of your friends, of your family?

God is sometimes nonsensical; which drives my practicality crazy. But, sometimes, that is the best place to find God.

The aftermath of returning home

What is missions? What is ministry?

That was a question I posed to the director of our Global Outreach (missions department) at church almost two years ago when I was finally ready to admit that missions is where my heart is; but what is it?

I grew up in the church and on mission trips. In my mind, missions trips were blurbs of ministry- a lot of hard work to meet a need. During that time, you do more than you typically would in a week's time- you give more, you complain less, you work together with people you may not usually work with, you swallow your pride a little easier, you work hard and sleep less.

In my head, I had separated missions and ministry and life. Missions became what you went out to do on purpose to "reach the lost" - those outside the church. Ministry became what you do while working within the church- aka, everything else church-related, such as Sunday School, Wednesday night programs, special programs, etc. Life was everything else remaining: school, extra curricular activities, family life, friends, etc.

However, I don't think this is true. I think life is meant to be for ministry and missions is the outpouring of this choice. I have tried for years to compartmentalize these areas for concern over the amount of work required to live this way- it's a lot to pursue a different way of life than what I am naturally inclined towards. I am selfish. I like my time and energies to be at my disposal instead of constantly being used and exercised.

But it is in the places I let go of my concerns and my time and energies that I am most refreshed and alive. These are the places I find myself at home. I think this is because I am living in a different way- depending on God more and moving towards him instead of my own ideas of what I think will be fulfilling.

I think this is one reason this return has been the best and most difficult. I am leaving a small time of community and ministry in it's most concentrated form. I am returning to a place of routine - which I love - but a life of requirement in different ways. I have to get up and go to work. I have to make sure the dishes and laundry are done. I have to pull my weight as a co-worker, a roommate, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a church member, and missions team leader. I begin to see my time and energies become fractioned off into these roles. In this place, it is easier to complain and feel my selfish wants and let them become my motivation for behavior instead of humility and desire for God to be glorified. I am back to commitments and requirements of my time. And none of this is bad. None of these areas, roles, places are bad. My life was meant to be a ministry to others- ministering to their needs. I can minister at work, at home, in all of these roles. I can rely on God for all of this, just like on a mission trip. And that's what this is, this life is a mission trip.

So I am becoming less concerned about the terminology used and more concerned about each moment God has called me to, led me to, met me in; each place of ministry to others.

The Beauty and Burden of Going Solo

I was asked on the flight over to Austria where I would go if I could go live anywhere- where does my heart long to be? I couldn't answer that question at the time; I could live just about anywhere. However, as soon as we landed, I knew the answer- I felt the answer: Europe. I love it here. The way of life, the sights, the smells...

There is much I could write about and much I hope to in the near future. However, what I cannot seem to shake is a phrase used by a woman on staff here as we were beginning our orientation. She began explaining the way to interact with those from other cultures. She stated that, especially as a solo woman, it is important to allow the other person to initiate what kind of greeting is appropriate. 

Later, as I chopped about 25 apples into bite-sized pieces, this rippled through my thoughts. Solo woman. To be given a solo in a performance is a big responsibility- to carry the moment in all it's glory. It shows the level of skill possessed and faith entrusted. The beauty of a solo performance is unique, just as a duet or trio or any other combination of performers. They are all beautiful in their own respects and given purposes. To carry the burden of responsibility alone in the performance is much like my life- the beauty and burden is special to one.

Traveling and being here has brought out many struggles I thought have been conquered or at least were moving towards that direction. My weaknesses have been highlighted and put on display; I feel as though the well of grace I have come to trust has dried up. I am constantly finding myself at the end of my abilities. My work is not demanding, but working, leading and learning has been consuming my last energies. In the midst of becoming frustrated and wondering why I do not feel the grace I have become accustomed to, I was immediately faced with this question: why did I think this would be easy? Why did I think God would not allow me to be stretched by this experience?

Because I was under the (false) impression that my work was done by just getting everyone here in one piece. The rest was supposed to fall into place and take care of itself. I find myself becoming frustrated when directions are not followed, when expectations in the schedule change, when people want relationship and not just a task completed, when I am at a loss as to how to handle relationships or understand people's behaviors, when I am constantly face-to-face with the very natures that I feel overwhelm me with no escape. I see myself turning to momentary relief instead of taking the time to seek the Lord and to see his peace in this place. I am seeing waves of reminders that the Lord is available; that I am able to let go of my desire to find comfort in the schedule or task; that he is able to take care of me if I pour myself into this place and into these people.

The thing about solos is that there is a community of others involved in the performance, a symphony of others all playing their parts. The soloist relies on these others in the performance. There is no place for a soloist to simply stop and it is not the job of the soloist to direct this symphony. It is the job of the soloist to know the part, perform it well, and perform it with the rest of symphony.