A Single Pursuit

There is a difference between being alone and being unwanted.

I live a comfortable existence walking through my days and weeks connecting with various people and keeping the connection at appropriate levels of depth determined by the strength of the relationship. Part of this is because I usually have the only say-so in my schedule and sole responsibility of my time.

And I rather like this funny life I am living. I do not understand it to say the least, but to watch it unfold in the different seasons has been, at times, excruciating, but always a revelation of beauty.

However, there are times as I walk this life alone that I easily confuse being alone and feeling unwanted; and these are two very different things. I have little trouble being alone and often escape to do just that. I have a lot of trouble feeling unwanted. 

So what do I do with that? When being alone seems to highlight the feeling and point to being unwanted.

First, I realize the insane whirlwind of emotional thought driving that  feeling- fear. 

Second, I own that fear: I do fear being unwanted. To be known and found wanting... that is about the worst feeling a person can experience.

Third, I look for truth. God promised he would never leave me or forsake me. I have to believe that is true, because when I cannot see the physical relationship in front of me in my quiet hours of solitude, or in the days when I am stretched so thin I can barely breath for fear of snapping, I have to believe in what I cannot see. 

Fourth, I get to chose to believe in that truth or continue to believe in my skewed perception of the reality in which I sit.

These numbers hold very little weight in the midst of that place of fear. When it's in black and white and reduced to letters strung together making the sentence make sense, it seems sensible. 

I do not fear being alone.

I fear being unwanted.

And that is to be human. That is to feel alive. That is to recognize my need- not just my need for relationships with others, but it shows my absolute need in a God who is not moved by my circumstance and is not shaken by my doubt.