devotions of a mother in a waiting room

as I feel the tidal wave of pictures surge on social media, I am overwhelmed by so much new life and new beginnings- it is a beautiful thing to see

but this is an aspect of life I wonder if I am to only participate in as a spectator

those kids I always pictured in my future were visions resembling magazine cutouts and commercial clips

I was inspired by the idea of letting my son have a mohawk and go to the store in a super hero cape and letting my daughter wear her tutu and soccer cleats together because she wanted to

the visions I have of my future look nothing tangibly like that future I assumed I would step in to

what I see now opposed to then is a different kind of birth and growth-
a metaphor

I see a continued growth in myself- feeling the odd cravings to taste new and strange things I would never have had a taste for- or the immediacy of tasting what I know is good at all hours of the day and night, the onset of getting everything cleaned and straightened and in order, experiencing the joy in the hope of what is to come and the discomfort as that growth becomes almost too much to bear

there is the time when this new life needs every ounce of me - when I tend to it losing time, sleep and money having no idea if what I am doing is right and concerned I am missing something

there is a time as that new life grows and demands less and less of me and can function independently leaving me feeling superfluous



there is no way to assume this is the same as giving physical birth to a child
there is no way to assume this will be the only way I give birth

I don't know that I am built to carry the physical weight and wait of what it takes to create a new life and sustain that life
I don't even know what it is to live with the persistent and deep longing unmet, the void of a desire yet to become real and tangible in a physical way


I do know that I am in a place to build and work under the weight and in the wait of a new birth of vision

and as I wait, the weight continues to impress on me ever-growing into something I could not plan for or fully be prepared for
I hope and pray over this vision as a mother would a child - hoping that it grows healthy, plays well with others, is thought well of, is beautiful, would leave a strong legacy in it's wake