Is there a reason you are feeling restless??

Because God is so big and I am so small

There’s a lot of space between there
And I am the one on limited time and resources

How do you handle a God like mine?
A God so… full and fulfilling.
He doesn’t fit in my small life yet he asks me to come along with him- he doesn’t ask to be fit into my life.

So there is the challenge: how does my small life step into his big plans?

Is there a balance- or is the idea of “balance” just a source and sort of safety I have chosen to hide behind? Can I be expended, can I be used up– have I been the one resisting God’s design to use me to the fullest?

Why so restless?

How do you handle plans bigger than you can fathom? Bigger than what makes sense? That is a huge weight! These kinds of questions make my heart and lungs race. And resistance to that idea comes (naturally) in the forms of distraction, rebuttal, procrastination, straight up NO, all in hopes of a return to the normalcy that once was.

But my heart has been separated- feeling the fullness- there’s no way to un-feel or un-see that.

In my desire to get going, moving towards the bigger life, I find myself very short with myself and others- I want to get to the point and get going. I have noticed that anyone trying to talk with me- have a conversation- with any amount of detail has been cut short by my desire to jump to the point and keep going. I am amazed at the grace extended to me in these conversations. Did I not learn anything in the last few weeks, months, years? God is not calling me to a task, he is calling me to a relationship and it is a relationship that extends out towards others. I need to give attention to finer details of life; there is something delicately essential there.

So there is a huge weight to this wait. There is importance in this place and there is something bigger coming. I don’t know how to be here and wait for there. These are the kinds of times that drive me crazy- one foot in and one foot out. I am here. I am now. I am willing to be there. I am waiting to be then.

I was recently reminded, “the promise is in the process.” Meaning that as I go, God is working to fulfill the promise/vision given. Without the process, there is no promise. So there is importance in the now. There is importance in the present.

At this point, the questions are much more What and When rather than How and Why. As I wait and seek those answers, my heart is overwhelmed to tears thinking about how much I do not want to get bogged down in the insignificant.