There's more to it than that

Having a vast understanding of the highs and lows of the emotional and psychological see-saw, I sometimes fear the spiritual highs. Spiritual highs are unsustainable and insupportable. I know what those look like and what they can lead to: emotional decisions based on temporary feelings. I don't want a spiritual high- I desire the spiritual growth. But I am finding the good in those moments and the need for those times; that release of restraint is refreshing. 

And as the see-saw swings, after a spiritual high, there is typically a clear struggle. As much as I used to fear the fall from the "mountain top" into the "valley," I have come to understand that it is through this movement that there an opportunity to allow what was felt to become real, which brings about possible spiritual growth.

It is through these human experiences- the heartaches- that I experience God. To deny that I feel affected is not only an act of pretentious piety, but it is to deny the opportunity to experience God- of his presence and promise. If I never needed, I would not understand my insatiable need of Him. Not just his safekeeping and provision, but of Himself. If I never struggled, I would not understand his grace. If I never hurt, I would not know what it is to be comforted. It is in my need that I see him move.

Since coming back from Austria, I have been asking the Lord what to do. My heart was open and ready to take a giant leap… somewhere. I just needed the where and when. 

His answer? Wait. 

Of course. 

In my waiting, I asked God what he wanted me to do. 

His answer? Wait. 

Of course. 

In my waiting- which looked a lot like striving- I desired a platform.
But God desires me to have a purpose.

In an effort to share with and effect others, I was not letting it affect me.

So it was not until I stopped that I realized how much I have wanted the answer to my prayers for guidance to result in me staying where I am.

This morning, my heart hurt as it began to break at the realization that I am holding back from God. That I am choosing to hold on to places, times, hopes of the here.  There is a hurt felt when you realize all that you have come to love can be left; and that is real and that is ok. But it is not an excuse to be immovable. Avoiding the pain is not the goal of this life. And I would like to think I have learned not to be stubborn with the Lord- that I have learned to be movable before my entire life crumbles, again-  but I have desired the settling thus settling for a lesser god than God would desire for me.

Reading through Psalm 27, Matthew Henry commented:

The safety of believers however is not in the walls of the temple, but in the God of the temple and their comfort in communion with him.

As I am walking this out, that is my desire. Not the words, not the feeling; it is in the communion with him- as I step out trusting he is with me in each step.